Letters to Sarah

So much to say....

I know that I have been gone for a while now.  October is a pretty hard month for me, we celebrated it like Christmas in our house.  His Birthday was this month.  His brother gave me a baby pumpkin every year, we would gather as a family and carve pumpkins eat a bunch of candy watch scary movies and drink.

I finally grew the lady balls to say what I needed to say to my ex mother in law and my ex brother in law.  When I finally gained the courage.  I decided to go out and buy some baby pumpkins and send to them and let them know that I really miss them.  The day that I did this was around his birthday, I finally convince my boyfriend to run errands with me which is such a feet.  I live in the same town as my ex but I literally never see him, he is reclusive and has no job so he has no money and rarely leaves his house.  Well since this time of year is around his birthday unfortunately his mom gives him 100 dollars for birthday and Christmas so who should I run into when I finally get the courage to get  my much needed closure.

I responded by saying oh shit and ducking in a neighboring aisle.  Leaving my boyfriend obliviously screaming my name I'm so good at not drawing attention to myself aren't I.

Seeing him is like a hard slap in the face to me emotionally.  I feel like I go backwards.  So I struggle again with getting my closure.

I decided to send my letter for me, its in the mail today.  I have not been exercising but I have lost one lb.  took on more hours at work and my schedule keeps changing been hard to stick to any sort of routine and get my chores done.

The night before Halloween I see him at the gas station when I was driving to work.  He was wearing the jacket my parents got him for Christmas.  All I can think is do you think about me when you put that jacket on and how you ruined my life.

I was talking to my friend sarah who has been married a couple times already shes about seven years or so older then me.  I just emotionally purge all over her.

ive been feeling like i will never escape my first marriage

all the doubt and anxiety will follow me forever and i will second guess every relationship that follows and never feel completely secure in any relationship

makes me sad

makes me angry

makes me sad that it makes me sad and angry

feel like a lost a family a best friend and other friends and even though it was me that did the leaving i feel like i suffer the most

and i hate it

i feel like no matter how much i better myself and my life it will always just be a shadow of what it was suppose to be because that security and sense of love is shattered

i feel like ill never feel hole sarah does it get any easier....

I know how you feel. it will prolly take years but it will pass. Just make sure your true to yourself and do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. and figure out who you are=)

My other friend that I had crushed on in high school is going through a messy brake up and drunkenly confessed he had feelings for me in a very awkward manner. One of the few people that I had confided in with my divorce because he was a mutual friend that I know my ex will never talk to again. Now I feel like every thing I say to him is stupid because I don't know how to act around him. I have a boy friend, I could never be in any sort of position to date this person, I just,... why do people put stuff like that on other people, he knows I'm not single I don't know what to do with this information and It just keeps plaguing my thoughts and makes me feel like an ass when I talk to him because I don't know how to act.

I feel so distant from everyone and I just keep going just keep trying to make things better but with such a disconnect. I feel like I am just living to live. Like I am trying to prove something but I don't know why or to who, but I just keep going because I can't just not. I feel like if I stop to mourn I lose so much progress and the divorce was for nothing. I feel like If I keep living just to live then it was all for nothing also and I am just so miserably sad and lost.

all my thoughts and actions I feel are just this mush of sad and I unfairly throw it on everyone around me and I don't know how to stop. Or how to believe that it truly does get better and my life is gonna be so much better then I could even dream it to be. I feel lately like all I do is apologize for feeling how I feel, and I just want to take the time in this moment to vent and not have to feel sorry for being who I am or feeling how I feel and feeling as sad as I want and have to apologize to no one. I'll fight sad some another day right now I just don't have the strength.

results

This week

Last Week


Can't really see a huge difference but today I am down seven lbs woot!!

so I'm gonna continue to do my stepper for the songs, and try to jog/run for my show
super size vs super skinny

Weekly Music and extras
Tuesday
Pixies- Hey
David Bowie-Rebel Rebel
Violent Femms-blister
25 crunches

Wednesday
css-music is my hot hot sex
phantom planet-big brat
Dobie Grace- In Crowd
25 sit ups

Thursday
Box Car Racer-there is
The Damn Wells-I will Keep the bad things from you
Birdy-Skinny love
25 lunges

Friday
Hill of beans-Satan Satan lend me a Dollar
Big Wig- cheers theme
Forever The sickest Kids- Men in Black
25 lunges

Saturday
Golden Girls-Theme song
Joe Cheng-I Love what I Love
jake wolf-Celibacy
25 plies

Sunday
Blue Oyster Cult-God Zilla
Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen-Fat Bottem Girls
25 plies

Monday
Smashing Pumpkins-Landslide
Oren Lavie-her Morning Elegance
Flight of the Conchord- The Humans Are Dead
25 reverse crunches

Tuesday-
Flight Of the Conchord- The most Beautiful Girl in the Room
The Cure- Love Cats
Sublime-Bad Fish
25 jumping jacks

time for sleep

Today's songs:

MC Chris: Nrrd Grrl
MC Chris: Tasty Face
MC Chris: Hoodie Ninja
MC Chris: Fetts Vette
Lady Gaga: So happy I could die

my belly is so sore from all the crunches and sit ups :/

Today I only did 20 crunches
                             
20 reverse lunges on each leg

while I watched my show I tried to jog/run during the first two segments

walk/jog in the third segment

stepper in the last segment

I wore shoes on the stepper today for the last segment because running/ jogging was making my feet tingle when I was bear foot on my hard wood floors and the only negative thing I have to say about the stepper is that when you wear shoes or use it for a long time it hurts your feet muscles really bad, I guess trying to balance on it makes you use muscles your not use to using in your feet but when I wear shoes on my stepper it makes me want to cry, its not so bad with out shoes though.

Let Me have some of your sodas and your beans

Okay so today I really tried to go at a faster pace and keep my heart rate up I ran/jogged one of the four segments of the show I watch Super size vs. super skinny and I feel so good.  I want to be able to actually run for a long time eventually, I am too self conscious to run anywhere but in place in my little work out room, but maybe one day when I am in better shape I will be able too and then if there is ever a zombie apocalypse I wont have to trip people.



Did you know that there is this 5k called zombie run, I have had zombies on the brain the last couple of days must be October, man I love this month.  Posted pic of said zombie run below.




You can read all about this 5k with obstacle course @ http://runforyourlives.com/?gclid=CKKapcuR77ICFayPPAodfA0A7g

I don't think they run specifically for any cause other then for fun and health but it seems way fun and if I was a runner I would totally be all over this.

Stay Tuned 3 days till progress picture and weigh in.

Today's music:
The Kinks: A well respected man
Richard Cheese: Don't Cha
Sublime: Jail House

Love my picks for today makes me feel like my ruff night at work is just a far away memory
Every one could use some good ol Dick Cheese, eww you pervs I'm talking about the lounge singer
Richard Cheese :p.  His songs are just plain happy incarnate, if you are a zombie fan like myself you might recognize Richard from such movies as Dawn of the Dead where he does a lounge rendition of disturbed's down with the sickness, and hey that movie was playing yesterday.



50 crossing crunches
50 sit ups
25 bicycle crunches
25 reverse crunches

If you haven't had enough of zombies yet in this post you should check out these links from one of my favorite mc's albums.

http://youtu.be/6XMeDO8xxag
http://youtu.be/aC9_PK7bBO4
Tomorrow mornings work out is totally gonna be a mc chris morning.

Rising Up to the Challenge of Our Rivals

Hello World, I am all caught up on my work outs now, yay!!!  I'm not sure I like this posting every day business I feel like not having as much time to think about what I want to say is making my blog less fun to read and write, so from now on only one or two work out posts a week with my weekly music picks and you can follow a long during the week if you'd like, or way in and tell me about music you think I would like to listen to in my work outs, and maybe I will even pick it for a post woo hoo!!!  With this posting my routines to keep me honest and motivated I feel like my blog is being taken over and turning into a weight loss blog and I really feel like I want it to be more then that so I will do my once or twice a week with my songs and routines probably starting Monday or Tuesday.

Today's routine:
watched Super size vs super skinny while on my stepper
my three songs I missed yesterday on my stepper
my three songs for today  on my stepper
10 jumping jacks
10 crunches
10 revers lunges on each leg just to change things up

TODAY'S SONG PICKS:

Regina Spektor: Apres Moi (not a fast paced song but a long song)

Survivor: Eye Of the Tiger (A work out classic that should be in everyone's mp3 player/every time I hear it I think of that commercial for Starbucks where they sing about Glen, here I will post it for you that's just good stuff people/ I feel like I am channeling my dad with my music picks for today with the classic rock/ blues/ and spoiler alert zombies)  I should give my parents a call soon.

As Promised



Last But Not Least

Jonathon Coultons: Re Your Brains (Any one who has played the left 4 dead games is bound to know this song/ I like to think that if I for some reason got turned into a zombie during a zombie apocalypse  that work would be the first place I went (just kidding,...kind of)

six mile walk woo hoo

Six mile walk today

Then my usual routine

Didn't have time for the songs today but I am going to double up on them tomorrow.

I am gonna post them anyways



Getting pumped before work



Beans!!!

Time to move. ~ >.< ~ (that's me doing the wave I've got skills)

If you are wanting to follow along with me, I will be listing my songs for the day.  Today's strange theme seems to be putting on a show.  These songs are random and no please don't show me anything its just coincidence because one song would make me think of another, any who here we go!

Today's songs

1:  Lady Gaga Show me your teeth

2:  Saosin Show me your booty hole

Last but not least drum roll please...

3: Jon Lajoie Show me your genitals

Nothing too intense felt like listening to fun and funny music.

I did my show super size vs super skinny, followed by these songs, changed it up today and I added 

20 reverse crunches

20 regular crunches

20 bicycle crunches 

I felt I needed to tone my belly was feeling gooey there today because I ate pizza last night with extra cheese yum!  Was totally worth it though hung out with old friends and new friends, swam, and enjoyed this last bit of nice weather before it gets too cold to get in the water.  

Progress pic in a week, I'm hopeful but not expecting a lot (no pressure self you got this).

If you don't like today's songs stay tuned because my musical taste are usually better, and these are just for inspiration if you want to listen to something new, or can't think of anything really you want to hear.  

just keep swimming.

So I have been getting back into a work out routine this week.  I have been using my rock and roll stepper and watching an episode of this show on my lap top while I work.



its a pretty interesting show about people struggling with under eating and over eating they swap diets for two days to see just how drastic and wrong their diets are and are educated on healthier life styles and what they are doing to their bodies I have become addicted, this one was my favorite so far.  The show is called super sized vs. super skinny.  When my knees start to get sore from the awkwardness of the stepper I take a short break and march while I watch the show.  I believe the episodes are 45 minutes long, then I listen to about three upbeat songs after the show is over to my stepper.


Todays songs:
Blue song Mint Royale (I introduced this song to you guys earlier in a previous post one of my favorites)
Dead on the Dance Floor by ultra Violet Sound (This song is longer and will make you work)
Flash Man song, mega man II (This is really short so its almost over folks)
I Felt like doing one more, I ended on the clash should I stay or should I go


Any ways for a product review tony little's rock n roll stepper its very affordable around 20 bucks, the general consensus is its hard on the knees a little bit, but you defiantly feel it more then jogging/walking in place so I don't regret spending my money on it.

 

So I put back that 10 lbs I was down mostly but I am down 2 lbs now.  I look okay but I'm far from comfortable.



I'm off to do the laundry now because I am awesome.

The Bitter Sweet Life

I have been taking a blogging vacation as of late.  The stress from work has been making me crazy.  My manager has a tendency to hire some real losers.  The type of people who have no ambition, do crazy drugs, get their children taken away, and live with their parents till their in their late 30's, and they just keep having children, they don't care about bettering themselves, or taking care of their kids, they get all the free stuff they can from the government, call into work every week, are super lazy and complain and leave early on a daily bases.

I work really hard, I do the work of six people on my shift because there is only ever two of us.  Then they hire these people, these horrible people that my town seems to be full of probably from all the meth that is floating around this town and they just make my job harder because I have to clean up after them and do their job while they complain.

This past month I have been on a roller coaster of emotion I have been struggling with my weight I can't seem to find a good medium between not eating at all or just non stop shoveling of food.  I started smoking again, though my boyfriend confiscated my smokes and only lets me have one a day.  I have just been feeling so bitter when I think about my life, my divorce, I feel like I did everything I was suppose to.  I got married and I didn't just have kids right away I waited because I knew we weren't financially or emotionally ready.  I got a job and worked hard, I am trying to climb the latter you know.  My job though, I am surrounded by these people who have everything handed to them, they have the greatest gift in the world and they don't even care enough to appreciate it.

My town is full of the dregs of society, narcissists that care about nothing but being lazy.  These people aren't my peers though I am surrounded by them on a daily bases I was even married to one.  I have to get out of this town and this career and into something more real.  My money, damn you money, I feel like I am always waiting always saving taking the slow path in everything because I had to learn the hard way.  God I am so hard on myself.

Maybe, maybe its like the turtle and the hair.  I'm surrounded by bunnies and I think that is where I want to be.  When I finally cross that line though, when I finally win one on my road less traveled none of it will matter.  Until that day comes I have my best friend who ugly cries when I feel sad to cheer me up I love that lady.

and when that doesn't work I have my beer and my cigarettes and my sweet guy.  Yeah I suppose I got it pretty good.  What's my hurry.

Also I just got a raise and those two losers got fired,... out of a cannon into the sun.

No not really but they did get fired.  One of them was arrested and stopped showing up, he did this last time he worked with us and we have no idea how he keeps getting rehired, and the other one started a bar fight and her married boy friend with two pregnant girlfriends on the side that takes all her money and hits her kept showing up to work and threatening her all the time.  I wish I could feel sorry for her but lots of other people,  her family members, and I have tried to give her a way out and she doesn't want it.  She brags about her life.  Maybe work will get better now.

"I Don't Know Where I am, I Don't Know Where I've Been, But I Know Where I Want To GO,
This is the First Day of My Life"

I Don't Care

Donuts!



As I sit here contemplating what to post I realize how little I really think about my ex these days and it makes me happy.  When it comes to him




speaking of donuts I have been doing really well on my dieting.  I am down 11 lbs so far yay!

I finally got my rock n roll side stepper and I have been using it quite a bit, seems too easy but it really works your leg muscles.  I also went on a six mile walk yesterday which was fun.



Now I leave you with my favorite song I worked out to this week.

For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry.

 Dear Self,
You are strong, and you are beautiful, no matter what anyone else has made you think or what anyone else has said to you.

I am starting to see results in all my hard work.  My dieting and working out is starting to show and I feel strong.  I have lost five lbs. not a lot but I can see a change.



In my last post my advice was to not be blue, to be yellow.  Continuing in that theme I have been listening to cold play in motivation to keep going. " For you I'd bleed myself dry" I just want to be happy.  I would do anything to see that I reach my dreams.  I can do this.

Groovy I Am.

That is one angry Bird,..



                 Work has been driving me crazy lately but tonight wasn't so bad.  We where really slow like no customers all night.  I even got off an hour early so I get to take a nap before I run my million errands.  The urge to buy a pack of cigarettes was substantially less today which is good since I quit smoking over a year ago.  T.G.I. the end of labor day and the start of school.  People come on, go home after 2 a.m. and take a sleepy, and don't come back to eat till seven in the morning so I can get my work done :p..

                  Any who, I have found that its almost impossible to be sad while listening to this song and watching the music video posted below.  Everyone in the entire world should most definitely check it out.  If that song doesn't make your blue turn yellow you could always do like Sarah Dessen does and pin pics of puppies.  If your job sucks as bad as mine, you'll probably need the puppies too.......



                 I don't really have much else to say as I just posted fairly recent, I just really wanted to post this song.

                Be Groovy, not Blue



                 On another note I have been sucking pretty bad at my diet.  my journey to this

is going more like this
.
I did manage to work out twice this week so far yay! If any one out there has any tips for curbing hunger I'd appreciate it.  Being around food all night at work is just torture.
Foods!!! 



p.s. Please tell me I am not the only one who grooves out like this when alone in a car.

Take this job and shove it!

             Man, I really want to quit.  I have been sort of stressed out at work lately, a job that should be so simple but they put so much pressure on you.  Ahh, just not sure how to deal with all the stress since I quit smoking.  Feel like pulling my hair out sometimes, I just got to hang in there till I can get a better job that can pay me an equivalent amount.  Or until I can find an entry level secretary job.  Hopefully I will have a better job sometime next year.

            But I'm mostly happy today.  It is my day off, and I have been writing off and on all week and I finally did it.  I finally finished writing the first chapter of my book.  I'm so proud I don't normally make it that far.  My brains a little exhausted and so are my hands.

 

           
                Chapter two is coming around a little slower but I'm sure it will start coming a long once I recharge my batteries.



             I really needed these days off, and I am looking forward to recharging my batteries, I got me some burger king coupons in the mail, tomorrow I'm expecting my new shirt to come in the mail and I got invited to go to the mall woo hoo!  After paying bills and running errands I will get to have some fun.  Its gonna be fun on a bun!



              I'm pretty excited about it, think I'm gonna go all risky business and do my happy dance. S O is asleep so Its time to get silly.



               Some day I will do my happy dance to this song.  I love Biz!

Smooth Criminal

            Yesterday I found a mouse in my kitchen.  No clue how long the little rascal has been running around my house Tom and Jerrying it up with my fat lazy cat named Puppy.  My boyfriend is suppose to pick something up to get it out of the house tonight on his way home from work.  While I am fine with the kind of mouse you find on the Disney channel when it comes to a real life mouse in my kitchen it feels more like little Mickey has turned into A scary tiny monster that reminds me more of this then anything else.  Not that I hate mouses but the thought of the little rodent making itself at home and eating and ruining my groceries while spreading its germs and waste everywhere disturbs me more then I can stand.  

             On another note.  I have finally stopped paying the bills at my Aunts house where I was living after I left my husband.  See what had happened when I decided to leave I didn't really have a plan.  I knew I was going to ask my aunt if I could stay at her house (my grandparents house) while I figured it out, she is widowed and her kids are grown she gets kind of lonely and we where pretty close.  She also lived a convenient block away from my work. 

             So what had happened when I asked her if I could live there she said it was very convenient for her because her son had gotten another DWI and lost his licence (His wake up call now he is in AA.)  and she was going to have to live in fort worth for a year so she could drive him to work and was going to need someone to take care of the house and collect her mail.

             So I moved into my aunts house and exactly a year later I was able to afford and furnish my own apartment along with paying for the divorce.  I also sold my car to my ex friend for 800 dollars.  So a year later I moved out and my Aunt is still saying can you take care of the bills just one more month so far for four months she tried for five but I had to put my foot down.

            My friend just recently paid me the full 800 and people I have to tell you never sell a car to your friends.  She kept putting off paying me got an eviction notice twice she lives in the same apartments as me and would go on and on about how she doesn't have any money but then rent to own an entire bedroom set and new couches right in front of me, and buy new clothes all the time. She offered (I didn't ask) to pay me an extra two hundred dollars for being so patient on the car.           

            So to start off I would give her rides all the time and shed ask to borrow the car to go out of town to do work stuff so she could get a promotion, I said okay because I knew with more money shed be able to pay me faster.  Eventually I just let her use the car and give me rides when I needed them while she paid off the car because I was losing a lot of sleep because she needed to go a lot more places then I did and my boyfriend would occasionally let me borrow his car.  So she takes over my car (I'm still paying for the insurance) and she puts all this work into the car (that she hasn't finished paying for) and stops picking me up from work and leaving me stranded and stops answering her phone calls after she paid me 700 (I'm still paying the insurance and its been like a year at this point).  

             When she starts leaving me stranded and I think about how long I have been paying insurance on a car I get no use of and how at this point I have actually lost money on selling my car I start to get mad.  I confront her I ask her when she plans on paying me.  She asks how much she owes like do I expect her to pay 100 more or 300 more so I told her 300 more.  A month passes and she pays me 100 dollars and I cancel the insurance she tells me she will pay me the rest in two weeks.  A month later she still owes me 200 dollars. 

            I told her she would have to pay to switch the car in her name.  That is would be 125 dollars.  She was like can I just pay you the 100 then and use the other 100 for switching the tittle. I get mad but nicely tell her no at the risk of our friendship.  I had to work with her five minutes after I told her in text that this wasn't acceptable.  When I get there I see her like angry crying on her phone trying to text me back.  (She is one of my bosses) she comes up to me and says in a shouting condescending way Don't worry about it I'll get it. She tried to bring up how much money shes put into the car just to keep it running and how she hasn't paid off yet.  She actually told me all the money shes put into the car, and that with how much money she has paid me is equal to what she was going to pay me 1000 and also equal to the amount of insurance money I put into that car while she drove it into the dirt over the year. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me and acting like I'm being unreasonable when I'm having to put my life on hold because I don't have any extra money.

              I finally stopped letting my friends and family run over me.  It took a long time like it did leaving my husband.  But I feel free-er, I have been able to save a little money now that I am not paying my aunts bills anymore.  I think I will finally be able to start my certification course this coming month.  My ex-friend still owes me money but I didn't let her try to cheat me out of one hundred dollars.  End of rant.

              Now I leave you with some folk music.  Describing my duplex that I am pretty fond of and apparently mice are too.

Sometimes life is balls

         After a bad break up its hard to just have regular arguments in relationships without having traumatic thoughts like, does this relationship have an expiration date?  Am I going to have to move in with my parents?   I'm going to have to start all over in a new town again.  My parents are trying to move soon so I will have to start over twice.  Will I be able to find a job?  Why is it so hard for someone to love me?  Is this a toxic relationship too I'm so messed up from my marriage I'm not sure if I can even tell anymore?  It seems so easy when your a kid to be a family and just love each other, why does everything have to be so crappy and broken and take so much work?  I'm going to lose my apartment.  I probably won't have room for all my things after leaving all my stuff behind from my divorce I am finally furnished and I will probably  have to sell a lot of my furniture I saved so long to buy.  Am I emotionally ready to handle another break up?

         As you may of guessed, my boyfriend and I got into an argument over something stupid again.  What should of been just some alone cooling off period, I spent second guessing my life, my relationship, and crying over something that was blown way out of proportion anyways.

        The dirt finally settled, we finally cooled off, spent some quality time together, and moved passed it.  When did growing up turn from something so wonderful into something so nightmarish with so many worries?  I hate being so neurotic.  Growing up I never pictured myself to be this hot mess of a person with so many anxiety's.  Life really isn't the way I expected it to be when I was younger.

          I guess if its not going to get easier I guess I should come up with some ways to combat the anxiety and learn to be content with my life and roll with the punches because that's all we can do.
In the mean time I have found semi precious weapons does a good job at taking the edge off.  This song will make you feel like you have it all figured out even when you don't.

I'm on my Cheetos Break

     I'm sort of cranky today, no real reason, just a moody mess.  So I dyed my hair and put on some cars to cheer me up and had me a little Cheetos break.  Sometimes I so wish I could be mean to my customers like in the Cheetos commercial, flick rubber bands at them and tell them to go to another place to eat. 

      Sometimes I wear plastic sacks from the store on my head when I dye my hair.  Me and my friend have been talking about it and think this is something people should just do all the time looks super cute and cuts down time on doing your hair.  We are innovators, or possibly crazy from hair dye fumes.  Look I'm not the only one.

 

So Hot Right now!


And here's me.


She'd be into it


Plus bag hats or just fun to say, or like the other gentleman with the bag hat calls them bagdanas.

      Any who here's some cars and their assessment of hippies.  Hopefully they amuse you as much as they do me.

Metamorphosis

      I use to be this girl.  This girl that didn't put her socks on right.  No job, no future, I loved him, he almost maid me homeless.  I thought I knew everything, but I couldn't keep myself together and I was very unhappy.  I let him make my world and it almost destroyed me.  Like the girl in the song, this girl who doesn't know where her future is headed, weather her husband is going to drink himself to death, and if she is going to have a place to sleep at night, this girl is dead.





       When she died I became this girl.  I missed what we where.  I just wanted to drink.  It was lonely, but summer ended.  I was so tired of being sad because of you.  Even though I sometimes still get sad, my days don't belong to you anymore.  I had to let go.





        I'm a lot happier now.  My future is unwritten but I know how the story ends.  I still retain some of the qualities of the girl that once loved you.  I'm still cool, my socks still fall, but I am a better person.  Now I am a girl welcoming change to come a long and join me with my feet in the sand, content.  With a perfect body with eyelashes that catch my sweat.





         Regina sings for me.  I love her music.

New Romance

         So I am celebrating my one year anniversary on Friday our actual anniversary was three days ago.  Gonna get dressed up and have a nice dinner at a steak place.   Money has been real tight but we are finally able to go on a proper date, I must say, though I do love to sit and enjoy my home, its nice to once in a while crawl out of my pajamas and into some nice clothes and be a part of society.  Not for too long though because those pajamas will be calling my name along with some red velvet ice cream and my recorded Thursday line up of TV shows.  Wilfred, Louis, and Anger Management.  Its gonna be a good Friday, at least till I have to go to work.

          I can't believe that I am divorced, and celebrating a new anniversary with someone new, its so surreal sometimes, especially since I haven't dated since high school.  Not surreal in a bad way its just what a year its been.  I have a lot to thank my boy friend for, before we dated he was one of the only friends I had in this town.  Noticed me falling off the deep end and gave me his hand.  Hes not the most romantic guy in the world, but hes a good man, a good friend, and he always has my back.  Exactly what I need.

and sometimes you get both and they tittle them boy friend.  I could never of gotten here if I just rolled over and let my divorce consume me.  I mean I guess in a way it did consume me.  I'm not who I was back then, well I guess that was another reason the divorce happened to begin with.  But I didn't just become some little ball of grief and stop living my life.  If you want something in life you have to make it happen.  Or else this divorce this big change it was all for nothing.  You have to move on because your worth it.  A lifetime of happiness is worth a little grief.