Monday, July 30, 2012
Baggage: Things that encumber ones freedom, progress, development, or adaptability; impediments.
Don't really feel like blogging today but I maid a commitment to myself to keep this going at least once a week. Lets recap the week I guess.
The week started out by losing a sizable chunk of the money I was saving for the down payment I was going to make to my certificate program. Then a lecture from the boy friend.
Followed by a phone call from a devastated friend which accounted for me not getting any sleep before a big birthday party.
So I'm at a party where all I want to do is drink to subdue my anger and embarrassment about losing so much money but I'm so tired from not getting any sleep that I have to leave the party early and don't even get to get drunk.
Finally accepted that my money is not coming back. Financial hardships make me irritable and fight with my boyfriend over him not liking his new job.
Argue some more over my incessant need to compare my old relationship with my new relationship when ever money is involved.
Now spending my day off alone and sad while being given the cold shoulder.
So ready for next week..............
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I have been feeling really cynical lately. Everyone around me I see is always fighting all the time. My parents, friends, and siblings try to confide in me with their insecurities in their own relationships and its just so hard to stay optimistic when your bombarded by the media about who is leaving who. So I got the cynical blues and I just don't want to live my life being another cynical sad person. So here's evidence that some form of love can exist till death due them part.
Proof number one: While there is only a 40% success rate in marriage in the u.s. (or so says wiki answers) Hey that is 40% of people living in success, that says hope to me, and proof that someone out there must be happy.
Proof number two: You can love your parents, your kids, and your siblings forever and you don't even get to choose them. So it makes since that someone you chose to marry into your family they would stand a fighting chance.
Proof number three: Shake spear said so, apparently its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.
Proof number four: Something with such an abstract concept must mean that it exists in a lot of different ways to many people so really I guess love is all around us and we just don't see it.
Now I am not saying that the only romantic eternal love between two people has to be between two married people. I may never get to the point where I am comfortable being married again but I definitely think I could love again. I'm just looking at the basic signs of proof to the outside world that two people can love each other forever and to me that is a successful marriage.
So I guess here's to the opportunity to triumph. To get to experience the good stuff a second time. Here we go self, sounds a little less scary now and a little more fun. Also good luck to you, for thoseyou who have decided to try again.
Monday, July 23, 2012
While reading up on other divorce blogs I stumbled across this post on divorce health statistics. It went on to say that younger divorced women tended to struggle more with health issues from what was presumed to be related to the stress of their divorce. It had a couple of examples explaining why they may struggle more relating to helping young children deal with having divorced parents or people like me with no kids feeling the pressure to find a new partner in which to have kids with which I touched on a bit in one of my previous posts entitled tick tock. Anyways I found it a very interesting read and wanted to leave a link to it so if you've got the time check it out.
and now for something completely different
|me,myself and I in 150 questions! by klesa|
|what do you like to wear?:||everything|
|movie?:||eternal sunshine of the spotless mind|
|non-alcoholic drink?:||root beer|
|day of the week?:||payday|
|time of the day?:||night|
|smell?:||popcorn jelly beans|
|tv channel?:||adult swim|
|song at the moment?:||no children|
|place to be?:||work|
|time of the day?:||11|
|day of the week?:||wednesday|
|animal to you?:||meh|
|*have u ever...*|
|been so drunk that you cant remember?:||yes|
|been cheated on?:||no|
|been in love?:||yes|
|been on TV?:||no|
|been on stage?:||no|
|had a surgery?:||no|
|broke the law intentionally?:||yes|
|had a friend pass away?:||yes|
|play an instrument?:||no|
|get along with your parents?:||yes|
|think you are attractive?:||sometimes|
|swear?:||like a fucking sailor|
|get motion sickness?:||yes|
|get good marks?:||no|
|drink milk :3 ?:||daily|
|take a particular medicine?:||no|
|go to psycholog?:||no|
|have a pet?:||yes|
|are you allergic to something?:||no|
|play an online rpg?:||no|
|get online on msn a lot?:||no|
|google a lot?:||yes|
|how many hours do you sleep?:||too many|
|how frequently do you go to hairdresser?:||once a year|
|get along with your teachers?:||..?|
|What's your preferred genre of music?:||alternative/folk/ska|
|All-time favorite band/artist?:||mountain goats right now|
|All-time favorite song?:||no children|
|How many CDs or MP3s of your favorite band/artist do you have?:||2|
|What's your favorite radio station?:||hmm|
|time you cried?:||couple days ago|
|movie you watched?:||the avengers|
|person you talked on the phone?:||reliant energy service|
|song played?:||my way- the sex pistols|
|thing you ate?:||shredded wheat|
|time you took a bubble bath?:||cant even rememer|
|time you got drunk?:||april|
|time you read a book?:||last week|
|email you get?:||junk|
|person you got a fight?:||cant remember|
|time you hugged someone?:||last night|
|time you kissed someone?:||last night|
|time you met someone new?:||not sure|
|time you went for a date?:||april|
|*do you believe in...*|
|magic?:||i dont know|
|*in a girl/boy*|
|style of clothing:||band shirts|
|kiss on first date?:||yes|
|love at first sight?:||no|
|who do you wanna slap?:||no one|
|who do you wanna kill?:||see above|
|your dream:||financially stable with a home and family|
|do you want to get married?:||not sure|
|i wanna be:||a paraleagal|
|all you need is:||nutella|
|identy yourself with 3 words::||sleepy, giving, neurotic|
|what is your worst characteristic?:||my legs :(|
|what are your fears?:||why would I tell you that|
|what is your weakness?:||no way|
|favourite quote?:||tesla never created anything worthy of the pigeon|
|cartman or kenny?:||cartman|
|shoes you weared last time?:||converse|
|what is your aim for this year?:|
|Take this survey | Find surveys|
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Sunday, July 22, 2012
Despite my last relapse into the stages of grief I think I am on the right track again. I will be starting a certificate program next month to be an administrative assistant and finally get out of the fast food industry. I will be done paying for that schooling in about 3 months or so then I will be saving to move to the city to go to college at Everest woo hoo. I have decided to go to school for paralegal studies. I am so excited to further my education. It is so important to me to be financially independent, I felt stuck with my husband for so long because I had no money and no family to lean on and I never want to have to rely on anyone ever again. When I did my do it myself divorce I wasn't really sure what the next step for me was. I spent so much of life supporting someone else's goals and achievements that I never really had time for my own. I was really interested in law going through my divorce and really felt like it was something I could do. We will see if I sink or swim, though I know as a hole I am already a success.
Friday, July 20, 2012
I didn't just divorce my scary, vindictive, likely to be a sociopath of a husband. I ran from him and cut all ties from his family. Leaving a mother, a father, and a little brother I will never see again. Maybe things would be different if I where not so afraid of my ex. Lately I can't stop feeling sad that I will never see my little brother grow up, I will never get to say my goodbyes to his father with his failing health, and I'll never get to say I'm sorry I never tried harder to be your friend to his mom who I could never understand why hated me and let her know I think she is an amazing mom despite it all and I'm sorry that her son for some reason can not appreciate all she does for him. And I can not stop feeling guilty that I didn't fight for the right to be a part of their life more.
Does it matter. Would I of made a difference in their life. Would they even care that I miss them like crazy. I have read all sorts of opinions on whether people should or shouldn't cut ties after divorce with the in laws. I just don't understand. When you get a divorce you don't divorce your kids. Why would you divorce your in-laws. Though all of me wants to just write a letter or phone or anything, I am scarred my information will get back to my ex and I don't want to go back to living in fear.
Does the fact that these people don't try to contact me mean I should just let it go. I mean I did get a new number, but I know they have had it at some point. Should I risk my safety for a relationship with people who likely are not as affected by this as I am. How am I suppose to get over this. My little brother has a beard now, he started a new school, hes driving legally now. When I met him he was playing with plushy toys. They would be so proud of me if they knew all I have done. Maybe they would realize this was not all in vain.
I filled a no fault divorce just so I could never see him again. He ruined so much of my stuff. He stole from me, manipulated me, threatened me, drained me emotionally and financially, and now that its over its still not over. I filled no fault divorce but there's a little girl inside me sitting in a dark corner crying fault, fault, its all his fault. He fed me beautiful lies and promises and in the end he didn't care about what I needed from him; stability, safety, family. Instead he wanted to live like a derelict and mooch off me and his mother spend all our money on alcohol because his voluntary sedentary life style was too taxing for him so he had to drink and become a violent night mare of the man I married.
I have tried for so long to just let go of my anger, hate, and grief. But I must take a moment to grieve for the family that died with my divorce and in this moment I hate him so much.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Scratched; rubbed raw to the point of having to grow new, thicker skin, and heal. Starting completely over, starting from scratch. I have been scratched, all my memories from the age of fourteen up until the age of twenty-one ruined, tainted with feelings of grief and animosity. The only home I have known for the last three years gone. clothes, pets, my child hood toy chest, my three little pieces of furniture I acquired in the last three years while being the sole source of income gone. Not only did he rob me of my youth, happiness, and trust but it wasn't enough for him, he had to break all the stuff I was too afraid to stick around and collect.
I left with nothing but gained everything. I gained a home, peace of mind, new better furniture, independence, strength, and most importantly my freedom. Sometimes its so easy to be sad about what you have lost and forget about why leaving was so important and what you have gained. Do not rely on someone to save you from your problems, don't expect depression, and fear to just go away. You have to save yourself because in the end the only person you can blindly rely on is yourself. You will always be your responsibility. Also not much quite compares to how rewarding it feels to be your own savior.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Every one I grew up with has either already started their family or they are trying to conceive. The pressure of feeling like I'm behind in life has been catching up with me and making me blue. Another friend, another coworker starting their journey into motherhood. I have spent most of my life feeling unsettled longing for a semblance of a stable home and family that doesn't go away all the time. Having recently gone through a divorce I struggle with feelings of uncertainty about weather or not I will ever be comfortable with the idea of the American dream ever again. Even though I am afraid to ever get that close to someone I still find a part of me dieing inside every time I have to say congratulations to someone starting their family.
I have been torturing myself with the hard questions. Will I ever feel fulfilled? Will I ever be content with my life the way it is now? How can I ever trust anyone ever again? Will no one ever love me the way I need them too? Someone I use to know told me once they could not understand young peoples hurry to start a family, then she proceeded to tell me that her child was a brat and in no way was fulfilling them. Every day I see people who don't appreciate there family and its so heart breaking when you think that what your told is the most rewarding, joyous, feeling in life you will likely never get to experience.
Being divorced I already struggle with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, it doesn't help that I completely skipped college to move to a different state to get married after graduating from high school. Now I'm husbandless, degreeless, and childless and finding myself back at the starting point and its so easy to get so discouraged. I know I am still really young, I should be happy that I have a chance to make my life what I want instead of suffering trying to make something broken work. Still when you have been stripped of your home, family, friends, and the only life you've known for seven years its hard to not feel completely empty inside.
On this emotional roller coaster of starting over, I don't want to give up on myself. Life is not a race, and I may never have children some day. I'm trying to teach myself that we are not all on this same set track, and though my marriage fell apart and my world came crashing down. My life is full of many successes and I have a lot to be happy and thankful about. I also feel its important though to not feel guilty when I feel sad, and that I should try to stop comparing my life to other peoples. I am a different person from Mr. and Mrs. Right and their life is probably full of as many hardships as mine, our successes and failures are incomparable and numerous. Kimya Dawson has a song that sings; "If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life, my arms will keep me warm on cold an lonely nights." I hope to one day be so content with who I am. In the mean time if you ever doubt yourself and feel the pain of not knowing where to go from here, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that your not alone.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I grew up in a very religious house hold. My mother was catholic and married a baptist preacher. Though my father has mellowed out over the years. I still can feel some of the pressures of being the daughter of someone often in the public eye. I remember discussing some of my relationship issues with my dad before my divorce and he kept trying to reinforce in me the idea that marriage is for life, like I wasn't taking being married seriously. I was so miserable in my marriage towards the end and dealing with the guilt of wanting to leave, the guilt of ruining someones life, and the pressure of trying to make everyone but me happy. I felt so alone in the world and the longer I stayed in that situation the worse it got.
Eventually after months of separation, and many discussions later my dad finally came around he told me I shouldn't feel embarrassed leaving my husband for the reasons I did, but that just made me feel like he thought that I should of before. He had discussions with his preacher friend who had been divorced to get more clarity on when its acceptable to get a divorce.
Before I got divorced I went to visit my parents and went to church with them and found my name and my exes name on the prayer list. I was mortified and people kept coming up to me to let me know they where praying for me. My divorce was so private to me a lot of my friends that lived out of town didn't even know I had moved out. I was feeling naked and vulnerable in a church surrounded by strangers feeling sorry for me and judging me. I know in his own way my father was just trying to be there for me but its been really hard for him to figure out what I need from him.
Our relationship is strained even though we still love each other. Its made it harder to understand each other. People are going to judge you for getting divorced, sometimes you will even be judged by family, unfortunately people like to gossip and they will probably talk about it at some point. Most likely they have no idea what they are talking about or what your going through. Sometimes Divorce is the only option, and its unfortunate for other people if they can not understand that and support you. Its important to realize that if your getting a divorce then you where on a sinking ship, you can't live on a sinking ship. You will have to learn to swim, some people will throw you a life preserver, others will go down with the ship, but regardless you will be okay.
I remember the first time I saw my ex with someone new.
I was already dating, and I never really thought about finding
myself in that situation or how I would react. I was having the
worst night at work someone had thrown a soda at me and the next
people I served laughed at me and I noticed someone ducked down in
the passenger seat dressed exactly like my ex with the same sort of
hair. I was angry and mortified and couldn't stop myself from crying,
and to top it all off the girl I saw him with was incredibly pretty
and really young.
I was so unprepared to see him and for the first time to see him on a date
it was awful, I was an emotional wreck for like two weeks. I was angry
that he would bring a date to my work, angry that he would even come to my
work to begin with, and angry that I even cared. Eventually I got over it, and later
I saw the same girl with a different guy that looked a lot like my ex husband but it
wasn't him. I felt embarrassed but also I felt a little stronger
that I was able to get passed that on my own.
I guess my point is you may run into your ex at some point in time or you may
not. Expected or not its likely to bring up surprising emotions but just remember this too shall
pass, and will make you so much stronger. I think it felt like one of those hurdles that you have
to come across in letting go and moving forward and recovering. I feel like having been through
it somehow brings me closer to moving forward and getting over it.
I can still remember all the animosity and hostility toward the end of my relationship, angry looks and long periods of barely speaking to each other. I remember the guilt of being so angry all the time, and how it made me feel like a terrible person. I remember how I would just lose myself in music and let it express all the things I could never say. I think the mountain goats sang it best with their song no children. I could throw all that anger into a song and just sing it and let it go or get sad and just allow myself to feel what I was feeling so I could get over it. Or even just having the reminder of how unhealthy the relationship was for me anytime I ever doubt myself. They also have an excellent song called international small arms factory, sometimes its just nice to be reminded that someone else can relate to you, that horrible relationships are not exclusive to you and that what ever went wrong is no ones fault sometimes things just stop working.
The Cure also has a song that I love to listen to when I let go of the anger and I'm feeling sort of nostalgic. There's a line in the song that goes I can't remember how to be all you wanted. Sometimes relationships just get to the point to where you cant grow together as people anymore. Makes me feel like less of a bad guy for wanting to end the relationship. Something about that song just makes me feel like despite it all I'm going to be okay and he is going to be okay.
Divorce comes with a lot of overwhelming feelings. I have found good friends, writing, and music a good outlet for my frustration and pain. I think that its important to find a healthy way to let yourself feel what ever emotions you have about your divorce, something just for you.
If you like music like I do, these songs might be something to check out. Maybe there is something in there you can relate to.
Let me start off by introducing myself. My name is Jessica, I married my high school sweat heart at eighteen, after a seven years together and a three year marriage our disaster of a relationship ended. I was left feeling empty, confused, angry, alone, raw, vulnerable, low, and like a failure. Its been about a year and a half since I left my shattered home, and several months since the actual divorce. I wanted to start a blog to maybe help others who might feel at some times as alone as I do, to vent about the hardships, and help myself and others pick up the pieces and try to rebuild something better.
Lately I have been struggling with self esteem issues; feeling like a failure, struggling with self identity, being ashamed, and trying not to become a cliched cynic. I have read these are all natural feelings of the divorce process still I wanted to take some time and really reflect on positive reasons why someone who is going through a divorce or has gone through a divorce should not feel this way and feel proud of who they are.
Reason I admire you number one: It takes a strong person to take charge of their life and try to better it. Regardless of whether you where left or did the leaving.
Reason number two: be smart enough to recognize there's a problem that cant be fixed and be your own savior.
Reason number three: to be left with no option but to pick up your own pieces it takes such a strong person to not just roll over and let the grief consume your life.
Reason number four: You are even more aware of yourself then you think. You or more aware of what you need and don't need to be happy.
Reason number five: You are a more careful person with your heart.
Reason number six: Growing up it seemed that there was far more kids in my class with divorced parents then there where with parents still together. Even though you are probably losing ties, friends, and family members, its possible that you can relate to other people and develop deeper friendships and make new friends and ties because of what your going through now.
Some things I had to achieve in going through my divorce, things you can feel proud of doing too if you went though them or have to look forward to doing: paying for a divorce, representing myself, deciding what I want to do with my life, finding out who I am on my own, renting my first apartment, furnishing my first apartment, decorating my own apartment.
Things are changing this is true and though its normal to grieve when having some sort of loss, the things you are going through right now must be weighing on you so much, I mean I consider myself fairly adjusted and sometimes its still such a struggle, and that's enough of a reason to not beat yourself up.