Tuesday, May 21, 2013


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          So I just found out I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis, we are waiting for my babies father to get his blood test back.  Cystic Fibrosis is a hereditary disease that causes mucous to covers your lungs and obstructs your pancreas causing digestive problems.  It causes infections, some people die from the infections or have to get lung transplants.  People with cystic fibrosis have a shorter life expectancy, they are making lots of headway in studies of cystic fibrosis and the life expectancy is expected to increase to 50 for those born after 2000 as far as I know the current life expectancy is around 37 but with many outliving this.  If my babies father is a carrier then there is a 25 percent chance that my baby will have cystic fibrosis 50 percent chance it will also be a carrier and a 25 percent chance that nothing will happen at all.  The doctor didn't tell me much just that we needed to get my boy friend tested and that it could potentially be problematic for the baby depending on the results.  I have been researching what I could find on the subject most of the day.  My parents had no idea of anyone in either of their families having it, apparently it can hide for generations.

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        The odds aren't the most terrible and there's really nothing I can do but wait for the results, I just feel so helpless, I just want to keep my little one safe.  I never realized how scary it is to be a parent until now, to love someone so much and want to do everything in your power to keep them safe but lacking the capacity to protect them from so much.  I just want to keep the bad things from you little one.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Fighting Fighting always Fighting

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              My boy friend can be such a douche.  I am gonna go stay with my brother for a few days next week I need to get out of this town.  I am stressed and I hate to think of what that is doing to my baby.  Pregnancy has me feeling like this

I hope things get better :( now back to my chicken sandwich.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

I'm back!


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          You may or may not have missed me of late, but it has been about seven months since I have posted anything.  I have been trying to deal with the chaos of myself and needed a break.  I have so much news.  In my last post I wrote a letter to my ex husbands family, I invited them to respond and said I would understand if they didn't.  Since then I have gotten no letters, I also sent his little brother a Birthday card for his 16th birthday back in December which would of been a couple of months later, but I have yet to hear anything from them and I doubt I ever will, I will still probably continue to try to correspond with them for forever.
             I miss my ex a little everyday and I have grown to just accept this fact I will never love anyone the way I loved him.  He completely lost touch with reality though and belongs in an institution where he can't bring harm to others or himself but since I am probably the only person in the world who he trusted enough to let witness his crazy this will likely never happen, he is aware he is not right but he hides it from everyone who would do something about it.  Well I am not sure if his mom ever would do anything about it if she knew because she likes to enable him and to  her he is so great and what ever is not great about him is because I have made him that way.  You probably wonder why I don't say anything to let people know that I think this man is scary, well, its hard when someone trusted you so much to be so honest with you and then to take that trust and make them a prisoner with it if he seeks help it should be his decision I have tried every way I know how to let him know the things he thinks aren't reality but he doesn't accept it and he has a way of making you question your own reality.  It torments him really and then he just drinks more.
I also don't mention anything because certain things he told me if I told people he would find a way to ruin my life, I am afraid of this man and always will be.
            There was a time before all the insanity when this man would of done anything just to see me happy, he traveled across the country to be with me, he went in public and got baptized so that my dad would accept our relationship, and he married me in front of friends family and strangers even though it maid him so nervous he was puking the entire time.  He told me that he loved everything about me, everything I thought about me that was a flaw he would tell me he loved those especially, he knew about and wanted to know about every scar that maid me who I am. I never had anyone understand and accept me so completely. He told me I was a goddess,  He told me I was brilliant, and beautiful and he was so lucky, and for the longest time I felt so lucky to just know him.  To have a best friend who had been there for every prom, every death of a loved one, learning to drive, moving away.  He was always there to hold my hand, and I was always there to hold his and for him to lean on when he felt weak.  He knew every little bit about me down to what I wanted to drink when we stopped at a gas station even with out asking.  I will miss that man every day and mourn that he will never return.

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           Me and my present boy friend have been having such a struggle to keep ourselves together, I don't like to talk about it much.  We are trying to figure things out and make it work.  During the loving season of valentines day, making the effort to reconnect and celebrate each other my boyfriend and I where a bit irresponsible, my school plans have been put on hold until next year when I am 24 and our baby is born.  That is right folks I have done got myself knocked up.  So here I am just as lost as I ever was, but I find that it doesn't really matter a hole lot to me anymore, nothing really does accept for making sure my little one has everything they need to be happy and healthy, and though I am more lost then ever I don't find myself lacking purpose and a general direction so I guess not all is lost.

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