Thursday, November 1, 2012

Letters to Sarah


So much to say....

I know that I have been gone for a while now.  October is a pretty hard month for me, we celebrated it like Christmas in our house.  His Birthday was this month.  His brother gave me a baby pumpkin every year, we would gather as a family and carve pumpkins eat a bunch of candy watch scary movies and drink.

I finally grew the lady balls to say what I needed to say to my ex mother in law and my ex brother in law.  When I finally gained the courage.  I decided to go out and buy some baby pumpkins and send to them and let them know that I really miss them.  The day that I did this was around his birthday, I finally convince my boyfriend to run errands with me which is such a feet.  I live in the same town as my ex but I literally never see him, he is reclusive and has no job so he has no money and rarely leaves his house.  Well since this time of year is around his birthday unfortunately his mom gives him 100 dollars for birthday and Christmas so who should I run into when I finally get the courage to get  my much needed closure.

I responded by saying oh shit and ducking in a neighboring aisle.  Leaving my boyfriend obliviously screaming my name I'm so good at not drawing attention to myself aren't I.

Seeing him is like a hard slap in the face to me emotionally.  I feel like I go backwards.  So I struggle again with getting my closure.

I decided to send my letter for me, its in the mail today.  I have not been exercising but I have lost one lb.  took on more hours at work and my schedule keeps changing been hard to stick to any sort of routine and get my chores done.

The night before Halloween I see him at the gas station when I was driving to work.  He was wearing the jacket my parents got him for Christmas.  All I can think is do you think about me when you put that jacket on and how you ruined my life.

I was talking to my friend sarah who has been married a couple times already shes about seven years or so older then me.  I just emotionally purge all over her.

ive been feeling like i will never escape my first marriage
all the doubt and anxiety will follow me forever and i will second guess every relationship that follows and never feel completely secure in any relationship
makes me sad
makes me angry
makes me sad that it makes me sad and angry
feel like a lost a family a best friend and other friends and even though it was me that did the leaving i feel like i suffer the most
and i hate it
i feel like no matter how much i better myself and my life it will always just be a shadow of what it was suppose to be because that security and sense of love is shattered
i feel like ill never feel hole sarah does it get any easier....

I know how you feel. it will prolly take years but it will pass. Just make sure your true to yourself and do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. and figure out who you are=)
My other friend that I had crushed on in high school is going through a messy brake up and drunkenly confessed he had feelings for me in a very awkward manner. One of the few people that I had confided in with my divorce because he was a mutual friend that I know my ex will never talk to again. Now I feel like every thing I say to him is stupid because I don't know how to act around him. I have a boy friend, I could never be in any sort of position to date this person, I just,... why do people put stuff like that on other people, he knows I'm not single I don't know what to do with this information and It just keeps plaguing my thoughts and makes me feel like an ass when I talk to him because I don't know how to act.

I feel so distant from everyone and I just keep going just keep trying to make things better but with such a disconnect. I feel like I am just living to live. Like I am trying to prove something but I don't know why or to who, but I just keep going because I can't just not. I feel like if I stop to mourn I lose so much progress and the divorce was for nothing. I feel like If I keep living just to live then it was all for nothing also and I am just so miserably sad and lost.

all my thoughts and actions I feel are just this mush of sad and I unfairly throw it on everyone around me and I don't know how to stop. Or how to believe that it truly does get better and my life is gonna be so much better then I could even dream it to be. I feel lately like all I do is apologize for feeling how I feel, and I just want to take the time in this moment to vent and not have to feel sorry for being who I am or feeling how I feel and feeling as sad as I want and have to apologize to no one. I'll fight sad some another day right now I just don't have the strength.