Monday, July 9, 2012
Every one I grew up with has either already started their family or they are trying to conceive. The pressure of feeling like I'm behind in life has been catching up with me and making me blue. Another friend, another coworker starting their journey into motherhood. I have spent most of my life feeling unsettled longing for a semblance of a stable home and family that doesn't go away all the time. Having recently gone through a divorce I struggle with feelings of uncertainty about weather or not I will ever be comfortable with the idea of the American dream ever again. Even though I am afraid to ever get that close to someone I still find a part of me dieing inside every time I have to say congratulations to someone starting their family.
I have been torturing myself with the hard questions. Will I ever feel fulfilled? Will I ever be content with my life the way it is now? How can I ever trust anyone ever again? Will no one ever love me the way I need them too? Someone I use to know told me once they could not understand young peoples hurry to start a family, then she proceeded to tell me that her child was a brat and in no way was fulfilling them. Every day I see people who don't appreciate there family and its so heart breaking when you think that what your told is the most rewarding, joyous, feeling in life you will likely never get to experience.
Being divorced I already struggle with low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy, it doesn't help that I completely skipped college to move to a different state to get married after graduating from high school. Now I'm husbandless, degreeless, and childless and finding myself back at the starting point and its so easy to get so discouraged. I know I am still really young, I should be happy that I have a chance to make my life what I want instead of suffering trying to make something broken work. Still when you have been stripped of your home, family, friends, and the only life you've known for seven years its hard to not feel completely empty inside.
On this emotional roller coaster of starting over, I don't want to give up on myself. Life is not a race, and I may never have children some day. I'm trying to teach myself that we are not all on this same set track, and though my marriage fell apart and my world came crashing down. My life is full of many successes and I have a lot to be happy and thankful about. I also feel its important though to not feel guilty when I feel sad, and that I should try to stop comparing my life to other peoples. I am a different person from Mr. and Mrs. Right and their life is probably full of as many hardships as mine, our successes and failures are incomparable and numerous. Kimya Dawson has a song that sings; "If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life, my arms will keep me warm on cold an lonely nights." I hope to one day be so content with who I am. In the mean time if you ever doubt yourself and feel the pain of not knowing where to go from here, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that your not alone.