Friday, July 20, 2012
I didn't just divorce my scary, vindictive, likely to be a sociopath of a husband. I ran from him and cut all ties from his family. Leaving a mother, a father, and a little brother I will never see again. Maybe things would be different if I where not so afraid of my ex. Lately I can't stop feeling sad that I will never see my little brother grow up, I will never get to say my goodbyes to his father with his failing health, and I'll never get to say I'm sorry I never tried harder to be your friend to his mom who I could never understand why hated me and let her know I think she is an amazing mom despite it all and I'm sorry that her son for some reason can not appreciate all she does for him. And I can not stop feeling guilty that I didn't fight for the right to be a part of their life more.
Does it matter. Would I of made a difference in their life. Would they even care that I miss them like crazy. I have read all sorts of opinions on whether people should or shouldn't cut ties after divorce with the in laws. I just don't understand. When you get a divorce you don't divorce your kids. Why would you divorce your in-laws. Though all of me wants to just write a letter or phone or anything, I am scarred my information will get back to my ex and I don't want to go back to living in fear.
Does the fact that these people don't try to contact me mean I should just let it go. I mean I did get a new number, but I know they have had it at some point. Should I risk my safety for a relationship with people who likely are not as affected by this as I am. How am I suppose to get over this. My little brother has a beard now, he started a new school, hes driving legally now. When I met him he was playing with plushy toys. They would be so proud of me if they knew all I have done. Maybe they would realize this was not all in vain.
I filled a no fault divorce just so I could never see him again. He ruined so much of my stuff. He stole from me, manipulated me, threatened me, drained me emotionally and financially, and now that its over its still not over. I filled no fault divorce but there's a little girl inside me sitting in a dark corner crying fault, fault, its all his fault. He fed me beautiful lies and promises and in the end he didn't care about what I needed from him; stability, safety, family. Instead he wanted to live like a derelict and mooch off me and his mother spend all our money on alcohol because his voluntary sedentary life style was too taxing for him so he had to drink and become a violent night mare of the man I married.
I have tried for so long to just let go of my anger, hate, and grief. But I must take a moment to grieve for the family that died with my divorce and in this moment I hate him so much.