Baggage for one.

            Baggage:  Things that encumber ones freedom, progress, development, or adaptability;  impediments.

          Don't really feel like blogging today but I maid a commitment to myself to keep this going at least once a week.  Lets recap the week I guess.

           The week started out by losing a sizable chunk of the money I was saving for the down payment I was going to make to my certificate program.  Then a lecture from the boy friend.

           Followed by a phone call from a devastated friend which accounted for me not getting any sleep before a big birthday party.

            So I'm at a party where all I want to do is drink to subdue my anger and embarrassment about losing so much money but I'm so tired from not getting any sleep that I have to leave the party early and don't even get to get drunk.

            Finally accepted that my money is not coming back.  Financial hardships make me irritable and fight with my boyfriend over him not liking his new job.

            Argue some more over my incessant need to compare  my old relationship with my new relationship when ever money is involved.

            Now spending my day off alone and sad while being given the cold shoulder.

            So ready for next week..............

How to not be cynical with a 40% success rate in marriage

           


              I have been feeling really cynical lately.  Everyone around me I see is always fighting all the time.  My parents, friends, and siblings try to confide in me with their insecurities in their own relationships and its just so hard to stay optimistic when your bombarded by the media about who is leaving who.  So I got the cynical blues and I just don't want to live my life being another cynical sad person.  So here's evidence that some form of love can exist till death due them part.

                Proof number one:  While there is only a 40% success rate in marriage in the u.s. (or so says wiki answers)  Hey that is 40% of people living in success, that says hope to me, and proof that someone out there must be happy.

                 Proof number two:  You can love your parents, your kids, and your siblings forever and you don't even get to choose them.  So it makes since that someone you chose to marry into your family they would stand a fighting chance.

               Proof number three:  Shake spear said so,  apparently its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

                Proof number four:  Something with such an abstract concept must mean that it exists in a lot of different ways to many people so really I guess love is all around us and we just don't see it.

              Now I am not saying that the only romantic eternal love between two people has to be between two married people.  I may never get to the point where I am comfortable being married again but I definitely think I could love again.  I'm just looking at the basic signs of proof to the outside world that two people can love each other forever and to me that is a successful marriage.

              So I guess here's to the opportunity to triumph.  To get to experience the good stuff a second time.  Here we go self, sounds a little less scary now and a little more fun.  Also good luck to you, for thoseyou who have decided to try again.

Interesting stuff

         While reading up on other divorce blogs I stumbled across this post on divorce health statistics.  It went on to say that younger divorced women tended to struggle more with health issues from what was presumed to be related to the stress of their divorce.  It had a couple of examples explaining why they may struggle more relating to helping young children deal with having divorced parents or people like me with no kids feeling the pressure to find a new partner in which to have kids with which I touched on a bit in one of my previous posts entitled tick tock.  Anyways I found it a very interesting read and wanted to leave a link to it so if you've got the time check it out.
http://midliferocksblog.com/2012/03/07/divorce-more-deadly-for-young-women/

and now for something completely different

The girl behind the voice.

me,myself and I in 150 questions! by klesa
name:	Jessica
nickname:	Jed
birthday:	4th
height:	5'2
weight:	average
hair:	red
eyes:	brown
any piercings?:	8
tattoos?:	2
any siblings?:	1
what do you like to wear?:	everything
*favourite...*
book?:	the metamorphasis
color?:	rainbow
movie?:	eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
celebrity?:	Alyson Hannigan
place?:	home
food?:	Pizza
dessert?:	cheese cake
alcoholic drink?:	flirtini
non-alcoholic drink?:	root beer
day of the week?:	payday
number?:	oo
month?:	October
city?:	Austin
country?:	US
animal?:	kitty
time of the day?:	night
smell?:	popcorn jelly beans
tv channel?:	adult swim
song at the moment?:	no children
friend?:	Eilza
*worst*
place to be?:	work
time of the day?:	11
day of the week?:	wednesday
song/music gender?:	?
animal to you?:	meh
drink?:	pepsi
food?:	pork
*have u ever...*
been so drunk that you cant remember?:	yes
cheated:	no
been cheated on?:	no
been in love?:	yes
been on TV?:	no
stolen anything?:	yes
been on stage?:	no
passed out?:	no
had a surgery?:	no
broke the law intentionally?:	yes
had a friend pass away?:	yes
been lied?:	yes
been dumped?:	yes
*do you...*
do drugs?:	no
get drunk?:	yes
dance?:	no
party?:	yes
sing?:	no
play an instrument?:	no
get along with your parents?:	yes
think you are attractive?:	sometimes
swear?:	like a fucking sailor
smoke?:	use to
get motion sickness?:	yes
wear contacts/glasses?:	glasses
get good marks?:	no
watch cartoon?:	daily
drink milk :3 ?:	daily
write poems/stories?:	yes
take a particular medicine?:	no
go to psycholog?:	no
have a pet?:	yes
are you allergic to something?:	no
play an online rpg?:	no
get online on msn a lot?:	no
google a lot?:	yes
have fights?:	yes
read magazines?:	yes
read comics?:	yes
how many hours do you sleep?:	too many
how frequently do you go to hairdresser?:	once a year
get along with your teachers?:	..?
*music*
What's your preferred genre of music?:	alternative/folk/ska
All-time favorite band/artist?:	mountain goats right now
All-time favorite song?:	no children
How many CDs or MP3s of your favorite band/artist do you have?:	2
What's your favorite radio station?:	hmm
rock?:	pro
blues/jazz?:	pro
classical?:	pro
rap?:	pro
pop?:	pro
country?:	nay
emo/screamo?:	nay
heavy metal?:	pro
techno?:	pro
reggae?:	pro
r&b?:	pro
*last...*
time you cried?:	couple days ago
movie you watched?:	the avengers
person you talked on the phone?:	reliant energy service
cigarette?:	april
song played?:	my way- the sex pistols
thing you ate?:	shredded wheat
time you took a bubble bath?:	cant even rememer
time you got drunk?:	april
time you read a book?:	last week
email you get?:	junk
person you got a fight?:	cant remember
time you hugged someone?:	last night
time you kissed someone?:	last night
time you met someone new?:	not sure
time you went for a date?:	april
*do you believe in...*
God?:	no
religions?:	no
aliens?:	yes
ghosts?:	not sure
afterlife?:	not sure
yourself?:	yes
astrology?:	no
karma?:	yes
magic?:	i dont know
*in a girl/boy*
hair:	red hair
eyes:	green
hobbies:	watching movies
style of clothing:	band shirts
kiss on first date?:	yes
love at first sight?:	no
*random*
who do you wanna slap?:	no one
who do you wanna kill?:	see above
your dream:	financially stable with a home and family
do you want to get married?:	not sure
love?:	yes
i wanna be:	a paraleagal
all you need is:	nutella
identy yourself with 3 words::	sleepy, giving, neurotic
what is your worst characteristic?:	my legs :(
what are your fears?:	why would I tell you that
what is your weakness?:	no way
favourite quote?:	tesla never created anything worthy of the pigeon
cartman or kenny?:	cartman
shoes you weared last time?:	converse
what is your aim for this year?:
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Progress

          Despite my last relapse into the stages of grief I think I am on the right track again.  I will be starting a certificate program next month to be an administrative assistant and finally get out of the fast food industry.  I will be done paying for that schooling in about 3 months or so then I will be saving to move to the city to go to college at Everest woo hoo.  I have decided to go to school for paralegal studies.  I am so excited to further my education.  It is so important to me to be financially independent, I felt stuck with my husband for so long because I had no money and no family to lean on and I never want to have to rely on anyone ever again.  When I did my do it myself divorce I wasn't really sure what the next step for me was.  I spent so much of life supporting someone else's goals and achievements that I never really had time for my own.  I was really interested in law going through my divorce and really felt like it was something I could do.  We will see if I sink or swim, though I know as a hole I am already a success.

cutting ties

           I didn't just divorce my scary, vindictive, likely to be a sociopath of a husband.  I ran from him and cut all ties from his family.  Leaving a mother, a father, and a little brother I will never see again.  Maybe things would be different if I where not so afraid of my ex.  Lately I can't stop feeling sad that I will never see my little brother grow up, I will never get to say my goodbyes to his father with his failing health, and I'll never get to say I'm sorry I never tried harder to be your friend to his mom who I could never understand why hated me and let her know I think she is an amazing mom despite it all and I'm sorry that her son for some reason can not appreciate all she does for him.  And I can not stop feeling guilty that I didn't fight for the right to be a part of their life more.
 
          Does it matter.  Would I of made a difference in their life.  Would they even care that I miss them like crazy.  I have read all sorts of opinions on whether people should or shouldn't cut ties after divorce with the in laws.  I just don't understand.  When you get a divorce you don't divorce your kids.  Why would you divorce your in-laws.  Though all of me wants to just write a letter or phone or anything, I am scarred my information will get back to my ex and I don't want to go back to living in fear.

            Does the fact that these people don't try to contact me mean I should just let it go.  I mean I did get a new number, but I know they have had it at some point.  Should I risk my safety for a relationship with people who likely are not as affected by this as I am.  How am I suppose to get over this.  My little brother has a beard now, he started a new school, hes driving legally now.  When I met him he was playing with plushy toys.  They would be so proud of me if they knew all I have done.  Maybe they would realize this was not all in vain.

             I filled a no fault divorce just so I could never see him again.  He ruined so much of my stuff.  He stole from me, manipulated me, threatened me, drained me emotionally and financially, and now that its over its still not over.  I filled no fault divorce  but there's a little girl inside me sitting in a dark corner crying fault, fault, its all his fault.  He fed me beautiful lies and promises and in the end he didn't care about what I needed from him; stability, safety, family.  Instead he wanted to live like a derelict and mooch off me and his mother spend all our money on alcohol because his voluntary sedentary life style was too taxing for him so he had to drink and become a violent night mare of the man I married.

               I have tried for so long to just let go of my anger, hate, and grief.  But I must take a moment to grieve for the family that died with my divorce and in this moment I hate him so much.

Scratched

          Scratched;  rubbed raw to the point of having to grow new, thicker skin, and heal.  Starting completely over, starting from scratch. I have been scratched, all my memories from the age of fourteen up until the age of twenty-one ruined, tainted with feelings of grief and animosity.  The only home I have known for the last  three years gone.  clothes, pets, my child hood toy chest, my three little pieces of furniture I acquired in the last three years while being the sole source of income gone.  Not only did he rob me of my youth, happiness, and trust but it wasn't enough for him, he had to break all the stuff I was too afraid to stick around and collect.

            I left with nothing but gained everything.  I gained a home, peace of mind, new better furniture, independence, strength, and most importantly my freedom.  Sometimes its so easy to be sad about what you have lost and forget about why leaving was so important and what you have gained.  Do not rely on someone to save you from your problems, don't expect depression, and fear to just go away.  You have to save yourself because in the end the only person you can blindly rely on is yourself.  You will always be  your responsibility. Also not much quite compares to how rewarding it feels to be your own savior.