Helpless

          So I just found out I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis, we are waiting for my babies father to get his blood test back.  Cystic Fibrosis is a hereditary disease that causes mucous to covers your lungs and obstructs your pancreas causing digestive problems.  It causes infections, some people die from the infections or have to get lung transplants.  People with cystic fibrosis have a shorter life expectancy, they are making lots of headway in studies of cystic fibrosis and the life expectancy is expected to increase to 50 for those born after 2000 as far as I know the current life expectancy is around 37 but with many outliving this.  If my babies father is a carrier then there is a 25 percent chance that my baby will have cystic fibrosis 50 percent chance it will also be a carrier and a 25 percent chance that nothing will happen at all.  The doctor didn't tell me much just that we needed to get my boy friend tested and that it could potentially be problematic for the baby depending on the results.  I have been researching what I could find on the subject most of the day.  My parents had no idea of anyone in either of their families having it, apparently it can hide for generations.




        The odds aren't the most terrible and there's really nothing I can do but wait for the results, I just feel so helpless, I just want to keep my little one safe.  I never realized how scary it is to be a parent until now, to love someone so much and want to do everything in your power to keep them safe but lacking the capacity to protect them from so much.  I just want to keep the bad things from you little one.

Fighting Fighting always Fighting

 


              My boy friend can be such a douche.  I am gonna go stay with my brother for a few days next week I need to get out of this town.  I am stressed and I hate to think of what that is doing to my baby.  Pregnancy has me feeling like this



I hope things get better :( now back to my chicken sandwich.

I'm back!

Sabbatical

         

          You may or may not have missed me of late, but it has been about seven months since I have posted anything.  I have been trying to deal with the chaos of myself and needed a break.  I have so much news.  In my last post I wrote a letter to my ex husbands family, I invited them to respond and said I would understand if they didn't.  Since then I have gotten no letters, I also sent his little brother a Birthday card for his 16th birthday back in December which would of been a couple of months later, but I have yet to hear anything from them and I doubt I ever will, I will still probably continue to try to correspond with them for forever.
           
             I miss my ex a little everyday and I have grown to just accept this fact I will never love anyone the way I loved him.  He completely lost touch with reality though and belongs in an institution where he can't bring harm to others or himself but since I am probably the only person in the world who he trusted enough to let witness his crazy this will likely never happen, he is aware he is not right but he hides it from everyone who would do something about it.  Well I am not sure if his mom ever would do anything about it if she knew because she likes to enable him and to  her he is so great and what ever is not great about him is because I have made him that way.  You probably wonder why I don't say anything to let people know that I think this man is scary, well, its hard when someone trusted you so much to be so honest with you and then to take that trust and make them a prisoner with it if he seeks help it should be his decision I have tried every way I know how to let him know the things he thinks aren't reality but he doesn't accept it and he has a way of making you question your own reality.  It torments him really and then he just drinks more.
I also don't mention anything because certain things he told me if I told people he would find a way to ruin my life, I am afraid of this man and always will be.
     
            There was a time before all the insanity when this man would of done anything just to see me happy, he traveled across the country to be with me, he went in public and got baptized so that my dad would accept our relationship, and he married me in front of friends family and strangers even though it maid him so nervous he was puking the entire time.  He told me that he loved everything about me, everything I thought about me that was a flaw he would tell me he loved those especially, he knew about and wanted to know about every scar that maid me who I am. I never had anyone understand and accept me so completely. He told me I was a goddess,  He told me I was brilliant, and beautiful and he was so lucky, and for the longest time I felt so lucky to just know him.  To have a best friend who had been there for every prom, every death of a loved one, learning to drive, moving away.  He was always there to hold my hand, and I was always there to hold his and for him to lean on when he felt weak.  He knew every little bit about me down to what I wanted to drink when we stopped at a gas station even with out asking.  I will miss that man every day and mourn that he will never return.



           Me and my present boy friend have been having such a struggle to keep ourselves together, I don't like to talk about it much.  We are trying to figure things out and make it work.  During the loving season of valentines day, making the effort to reconnect and celebrate each other my boyfriend and I where a bit irresponsible, my school plans have been put on hold until next year when I am 24 and our baby is born.  That is right folks I have done got myself knocked up.  So here I am just as lost as I ever was, but I find that it doesn't really matter a hole lot to me anymore, nothing really does accept for making sure my little one has everything they need to be happy and healthy, and though I am more lost then ever I don't find myself lacking purpose and a general direction so I guess not all is lost.

Letters to Sarah

So much to say....

I know that I have been gone for a while now.  October is a pretty hard month for me, we celebrated it like Christmas in our house.  His Birthday was this month.  His brother gave me a baby pumpkin every year, we would gather as a family and carve pumpkins eat a bunch of candy watch scary movies and drink.

I finally grew the lady balls to say what I needed to say to my ex mother in law and my ex brother in law.  When I finally gained the courage.  I decided to go out and buy some baby pumpkins and send to them and let them know that I really miss them.  The day that I did this was around his birthday, I finally convince my boyfriend to run errands with me which is such a feet.  I live in the same town as my ex but I literally never see him, he is reclusive and has no job so he has no money and rarely leaves his house.  Well since this time of year is around his birthday unfortunately his mom gives him 100 dollars for birthday and Christmas so who should I run into when I finally get the courage to get  my much needed closure.

I responded by saying oh shit and ducking in a neighboring aisle.  Leaving my boyfriend obliviously screaming my name I'm so good at not drawing attention to myself aren't I.

Seeing him is like a hard slap in the face to me emotionally.  I feel like I go backwards.  So I struggle again with getting my closure.

I decided to send my letter for me, its in the mail today.  I have not been exercising but I have lost one lb.  took on more hours at work and my schedule keeps changing been hard to stick to any sort of routine and get my chores done.

The night before Halloween I see him at the gas station when I was driving to work.  He was wearing the jacket my parents got him for Christmas.  All I can think is do you think about me when you put that jacket on and how you ruined my life.

I was talking to my friend sarah who has been married a couple times already shes about seven years or so older then me.  I just emotionally purge all over her.

ive been feeling like i will never escape my first marriage

all the doubt and anxiety will follow me forever and i will second guess every relationship that follows and never feel completely secure in any relationship

makes me sad

makes me angry

makes me sad that it makes me sad and angry

feel like a lost a family a best friend and other friends and even though it was me that did the leaving i feel like i suffer the most

and i hate it

i feel like no matter how much i better myself and my life it will always just be a shadow of what it was suppose to be because that security and sense of love is shattered

i feel like ill never feel hole sarah does it get any easier....

I know how you feel. it will prolly take years but it will pass. Just make sure your true to yourself and do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. and figure out who you are=)

My other friend that I had crushed on in high school is going through a messy brake up and drunkenly confessed he had feelings for me in a very awkward manner. One of the few people that I had confided in with my divorce because he was a mutual friend that I know my ex will never talk to again. Now I feel like every thing I say to him is stupid because I don't know how to act around him. I have a boy friend, I could never be in any sort of position to date this person, I just,... why do people put stuff like that on other people, he knows I'm not single I don't know what to do with this information and It just keeps plaguing my thoughts and makes me feel like an ass when I talk to him because I don't know how to act.

I feel so distant from everyone and I just keep going just keep trying to make things better but with such a disconnect. I feel like I am just living to live. Like I am trying to prove something but I don't know why or to who, but I just keep going because I can't just not. I feel like if I stop to mourn I lose so much progress and the divorce was for nothing. I feel like If I keep living just to live then it was all for nothing also and I am just so miserably sad and lost.

all my thoughts and actions I feel are just this mush of sad and I unfairly throw it on everyone around me and I don't know how to stop. Or how to believe that it truly does get better and my life is gonna be so much better then I could even dream it to be. I feel lately like all I do is apologize for feeling how I feel, and I just want to take the time in this moment to vent and not have to feel sorry for being who I am or feeling how I feel and feeling as sad as I want and have to apologize to no one. I'll fight sad some another day right now I just don't have the strength.

results

This week

Last Week


Can't really see a huge difference but today I am down seven lbs woot!!

so I'm gonna continue to do my stepper for the songs, and try to jog/run for my show
super size vs super skinny

Weekly Music and extras
Tuesday
Pixies- Hey
David Bowie-Rebel Rebel
Violent Femms-blister
25 crunches

Wednesday
css-music is my hot hot sex
phantom planet-big brat
Dobie Grace- In Crowd
25 sit ups

Thursday
Box Car Racer-there is
The Damn Wells-I will Keep the bad things from you
Birdy-Skinny love
25 lunges

Friday
Hill of beans-Satan Satan lend me a Dollar
Big Wig- cheers theme
Forever The sickest Kids- Men in Black
25 lunges

Saturday
Golden Girls-Theme song
Joe Cheng-I Love what I Love
jake wolf-Celibacy
25 plies

Sunday
Blue Oyster Cult-God Zilla
Queen-Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen-Fat Bottem Girls
25 plies

Monday
Smashing Pumpkins-Landslide
Oren Lavie-her Morning Elegance
Flight of the Conchord- The Humans Are Dead
25 reverse crunches

Tuesday-
Flight Of the Conchord- The most Beautiful Girl in the Room
The Cure- Love Cats
Sublime-Bad Fish
25 jumping jacks

time for sleep

Today's songs:

MC Chris: Nrrd Grrl
MC Chris: Tasty Face
MC Chris: Hoodie Ninja
MC Chris: Fetts Vette
Lady Gaga: So happy I could die

my belly is so sore from all the crunches and sit ups :/

Today I only did 20 crunches
                             
20 reverse lunges on each leg

while I watched my show I tried to jog/run during the first two segments

walk/jog in the third segment

stepper in the last segment

I wore shoes on the stepper today for the last segment because running/ jogging was making my feet tingle when I was bear foot on my hard wood floors and the only negative thing I have to say about the stepper is that when you wear shoes or use it for a long time it hurts your feet muscles really bad, I guess trying to balance on it makes you use muscles your not use to using in your feet but when I wear shoes on my stepper it makes me want to cry, its not so bad with out shoes though.